Imagine all the people living for today

causticantihero @ 2008-11-26T22:56:00

2008-11-27T04:41:40Z

I know, I know, never update these days. Still, I wanted to push aside that tendency I have to only talk about the bad and say that my life is going so well right now that it's ridiculous. Not that there aren't bad parts, because there definitely are, but that's almost always to be expected.

I'm in New York right now, at my parents house and well... I haven't been for a few months. It's nice being back and I'm not even minding the cold because I was getting a little fed up with constant warmth and sunshine.

Things with the girl and I are back on track, and it seems as though we're over the intense rough patch we've been having. It would be a lie to say we're perfect now, because I still have trust issues and resentment for things she's said/done, though honestly, deep down I'm thinking they're not as awful as I initially thought(I really dont think she cheated, which I was so quick to assume before), but we're trying to work past it and reconcile. I'm not ready to completely forgive, nor forget, but we're closer than we've been in a long, long time and I cant picture not having her around. Actually, we've been living together. We're at her family's house, which kind of makes me feel like a bit of dead weight, but I comfort myself by saying that the economy is tough and rent is pricey. When I get back I'm going to start seriously looking for jobs that pay, even if it means giving up on my film related goals for a bit. Presuming I pass a TB test, I'm going to start tutoring underpriviledged children when I return. Yeah, it's through No Child Left Behind, so I mean God only knows what I'm getting myself in for, but really, I think it will make me feel good. It should keep a few bucks in my pocket, hopefully give me the opportunity to throw a few into my savings account, and I really, really feel good knowing I could be helping someone.

I'm starting to do a lot of things for myself that I haven't had the courage to do before, and though I don't want to get too deep into what that entails, I'm infinitely happier and healthier as a result. I'm so lucky to have someone around who supports me in every decision I make, and for the first time in a while I feel like this is really good for me. I'm not as horribly dependent as before where I felt like I couldn't live without her. I know I can, but right now I don't want to. I've only been gone for two days, but I already miss her. I know that the brief distance is good, because I don't want us to smother each other and it's important for us to have that space, but damn, I miss waking up to her in the morning. I think part of growing up is not needing these huge gestures to qualify love, and I'm happier as a result of realizing that, and that it's really the stupid little things that count. Like how I let her pick what movie we see without a fuss, even when I'm not in the mood to see whatever it is, or how she lets me have the last sip of her drink when I'm thirsty. I go to see her band every chance I get and she's super supportive of my Nazi shooting on Medal of Honor. She helps me finish foot-long sandwiches at Subway, because it's much cheaper to just buy the foot-long and the bread tastes gross if you refrigerate it. She makes sure I drink bottled or filtered water so that I don't consume the gross stuff that's in L.A.'s tap water. I get annoyed when she gets so angry, and she gets upset about how I'm prone to moping, but when we calmly talk and hug the bad feelings all go away. We tell each other when we've had too much to drink and are getting belligerent. We get along, and we love each other, and she's my best friend, and it's wonderful.

I'm living over 3,000 miles from most everyone I know, I'm undergoing changes that I would have never dreamed possible, I'm trying to rid myself of a lot of the negativity, anger, and resentment that's been building inside of me for a long time, I'm living in a situation that at times makes me uncomfortable, I'm not making a ton of money, I'm trying to learn to skimboard and am falling flat on my face everytime but I'm happier than I've been in the longest time.

causticantihero @ 2008-01-02T13:14:00

2008-01-02T18:15:06Z

Wow, finding out you've been cheated on really, really sucks.

Happy New Year, I guess.

causticantihero @ 2007-12-03T00:33:00

2007-12-03T05:34:55Z

uhhhh... i almost wish the jets lost so they'd get a better draft pick. but alas, they cant even lose right. shit, working at a pub/restaurant has me interested in sports? what;s up with that?

causticantihero @ 2007-12-03T00:11:00

2007-12-03T05:15:55Z

Ummm... this is the second time in a month that I've called a paying customer an asshole to their face. I'm thinking food service is most definitely NOT the industry for me. For whatever it's worth, he fucking deserved it.

My aunt and uncle have two babies. I don't know if i've said that or not. The eldest is a year and a half and in addition to the usual "mommy" and "daddy" talk, he also says "...oh god" when things go wrong, along with "oh shit" as clear as a bell,despite his parents warning him otherwise. The younger, at a whopping 7.5 months smiles at you just for looking at him and is all set to crawl but can't pick his enormous head up enough to do it. It's stupid, I know, but I can't express to you the last time I was this in love.

I think this is why I don't make friends easily

2007-11-08T18:38:15Z

I make a honest effort not to sit around listening in on people's conversations, really I do. Overall, the thought of some stranger sitting around listening to personal conversations I have with family or friends when I'm out is fairly unsettling, and the thought of doing it to some other unsuspecting person strikes me as a little on the creepy side. But when people partake in loud cell phone conversations on the B train as it sits idle atop the Manhattan Bridge, it's not really your fault for overhearing things that lead you to question things such as their workplace conduct, and jump to conclusions about exactly what kind of an asshat they probably are. This morning, circa 10 a.m., I hear the following while making my way into Manhattan:

"Hello?... Hey man, what's going on?... Oh, I e-mailed that to Craig before I left work yesterday... Yeah, I'm sure. Didn't he get it?... Well, it's saved to my computer. I wasn't really planning on coming in today... Does he really need it NOW? I can send it again tomorrow... No, I'm not giving you my password... Nah, I'd rather do it tomorrow... It can't be that much of an emergency... I know, but I feel weird giving you my password... I know I can change it later, but it a matter of my privacy... I can't come in today. I said that like five times... ok, ok, fuck it, I'll just give you the password (mutters into phone)... You heard me. I'm not saying it again... Fine, fine (mutters into phone)... Look, the train started moving again, so you probably can't hear me. I'll just call you when I'm home... (mutters into phone)... can't I just... ok fine... (screams loudly) JERKOFF18. OK, MY FUCKING PASSWORD IS JERKOFF18. CHRIST, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? THE ENTIRE FUCKING CAR KNOWS THAT MY PASSWORD AT WORK IS JERKOFF18. SHIT!"

In other overhearing things news: I remember while taking a psychology class in freshman year that you have an ability to filter though large amounts of things being said in a large gathering of people, such as at a party, or in a busy store, and tune in strictly to the things you find interesting, or relevant. The thing is, sometimes you pick up on things and God only knows why you find them to be of any particular interest. I was at a bar the other evening with Steve and his friend Danielle, and there were these two early-twentysomethings, sitting next to me, drinking glass after glass of moderately priced house wine. My back was turned to them most of the time, and their voices blended in with dozens of other people, the television, and whatever barely audible music they had playing. I wish I had some idea as to what their conversation entailed, but all I can make out is one girl turn to the other and say (no joke, or fabrication):

"I sometimes think that maybe we're all hamsters running around in this big ball called life, trying to keep ourselves going and stay away from that cat. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't want to fall down the stairs."

What the fuck???? Though I try not to concern myself in the lives or conversations of others, I wish that I knew what preceeded that analogy, because 15 hours later, and I'm still baffled by it.

causticantihero @ 2007-10-10T09:05:00

2007-10-10T13:06:52Z

I'm moving by the end of January. Regardless of where I'm moving to, or the circumstances surrounding it, I'm getting the fuck out of here, because I CANNOT live with these people anymore.

On a lighter note...

2007-10-04T13:00:59Z

I love Sarah Silverman, I really do. I can't grasp why so many people find her so offputting. Well, I mean, obviously I CAN, but I don't know why you would.

causticantihero @ 2007-09-09T16:50:00

2007-09-09T21:49:00Z

Of all the stress of moving, cleaning out my room is the hardest part, because of the things I keep coming across. There's not a corner I can go to where I told find something that reminds me of her. I start clearing off the bookshelf and I find the book she bought me so I wouldn't get too bored on my first bus ride home from D.C., the playbill from Phantom of the Opera, when I could have brought anybody with me, but chose to bring her, the CD she made me that I've listened to so many times while bored on the train, and before falling asleep, that I'm surprised it still plays. I open up a drawer and there are ticket stubs from movies, including one from our first date, brochures from museums and aquariums, the Valentine's Day card she gave me this year, even though she has a long-standing no-card policy... even though she was keeping so much from me at the time, that makes me doubt the sincerity of what she wrote. I assume I'll be safe going to the closet to pack clothes, but on the second article I remove, a green, gray, and navy striped sweater I discover a long strand of her hair, and while it didn't break my heart, or jog as intense memories and doubts as the other items, it made it painfully clear that there isn't a single place in this house where I won't uncover something that reminds me of her. Maybe it's for the best that I'm moving. Being in my house, sleeping in my bed is pure hell, but at the same time, I have to kick my own ass to get myself out of the house, because I'm SO miserable. Even when I leave, my friends ask how things are going with her, and I can't start talking about it, because I can't bring myself to say everything without explaining it in full, which would take at least an hour, and I get fucked up all over again. I take other people places I went with her, and the memories come back. I visit my family, and I look out the window to the exact spot where we had our first kiss. That was one of the most absolutely perfect moments of my entire life, and my eyes kind of fill up with tears knowing there's a chance it will never be like that for us again.

The part that hurts the most is going back and thinking on the better times in the relationship and then thinking about every shitty thing she was saying to me, or even worse, keeping from me, at the time. Even when it was amazing, it was never allowed to be as amazing as it could have been, which would have pushed it up to perfect. Scratch that about being the part that hurts the most. The part that really hurts the most is knowing that despite all the positives, and the numerous chances to make things better, she still opted to do things she knew would hurt me and be detrimental to us being ok, and then didn't have the decency to tell me about them, let me be angry and mull it over for a day or two, and then be alright, despite the fact we've had the "if you tell me up front I may either be ok, or be annoyed for a little while," versus "if you lie to me, I lose my trust and respect for you, assume you're lying about a ton of other far worse things, and stay angry at you for some indeterminible, but definitely lengthy, period of time," conversation AT LEAST ten times. It hurts to think of everything that transpired behind my back while she was so caring and loving to my face. While it's good to know the truth, and it seems to not be exactly as bad as I had thought (at least thus far), it still sucks bigtime to know that there were other completely stupid, thoughtless, and irresponsible actions done knowing they would hurt me terribly, and then great efforts made to keep them under wraps. It hurts to think that I was SO good to her in so many aspects, and at no point did she have the decency to let me know the things I should have been informed of long ago.

The thing is... I'm trying to be fully angry, and I can't be. I can't completely wish her bad, or shove her out of my life in the same way I can, and do with other people. I have no desire for revenge, no plans to annoy her, or ruin her life. More than anything, I wish her lots of luck. She's not a bad person, per se, but has a lot of fucked up things that contribute to her acting in less than positive ways with a lot of people, including myself. I hope that she gets her stuff sorted out, and depending on when that happens and where we are in our lives, I want to be there for her, even if in a strictly platonic capacity. I know things like this are something almost everyone experiences at some point or another, but I feel so miserable right now.

causticantihero @ 2007-09-05T23:39:00

2007-09-06T03:40:14Z

Holy fucking shit, my life is falling apart.

Fragment structured update

2007-09-04T11:29:48Z

Back from CA.
Fell in love with the weather, the palm trees, the beaches, the calmer way of life.
Did NOT fall in love with the traffic.
Did NOT fall in love with either the special-effects centered ghost tour aboard the Queen Mary.
Especially did not fall in love with whatever poked/pushed me in the back in an empty hallway aboard the Queen Mary, which I later discover through a tour guide, has the highest level of paranormal activity on ship.
No joke, I got poked/pushed in the back.
Also felt a cold spot.
Closer examination reveals air conditioning vent overhead.
Felt stupid for a good 20 minutes.
Still skeptical of existence of paranormal.
But... I got poked in the back.
Fell in love with HER all over again.
Giddy.
Happy.
Not officially together.
Pretty damn close though.
Greater understanding of how people just "accidentally" end up hooking up.
New York.
Back into chaos.
Dont know if I'm in love.
Don't know who she is.
She lies.
A lot.
About a lot.
Drug use.
People.
Using Myspace in hopes of meeting friends of friends who are hopefully romantically interested in her.
Not interested in them - she claims.
Just to boost her own low self-esteem.
"You're amazing" everyday = not enough.
"You're my favorite" everyday = not enough.
"I love you" everyday = not enough.
May have equaled too much at time.
Don't know.
Super-confusion and we're in an in between.
Want to forgive her.
Want to subject her to coldness.
Want to leave.
Want to plan a future.
Want to make sense of it all.
Want another "accidental" hook-up.
Sans guilt afterward.
Want another shot.
From the beginning.
At our relationship.
At my life.
This week = interviews.
L.A.?
NYC?
Mind boggled.
Not confused.
Fucking mind boggled.
So sleepy.
No sleep.

causticantihero @ 2007-08-15T13:37:00

2007-08-15T17:40:56Z

In a little over 12 hours, I'm hopping in an airplane to spend a week of interviews, Disneyland (?), Carl's Jr. Western Cheeseburgers, and hopefully some kind of greater clarity regarding my life and where it's going. Last minute travel is so, so hectic, so now I find myself having to pack, clean, and buy more "interview" clothes, and I have a relatively short period of time to figure it all out.

Wish me luck.

causticantihero @ 2007-08-11T03:02:00

2007-08-11T07:08:21Z

Ok, ok, I know that I almost never update anymore and when it is it's to bitch about something, or share something that's probably kind of pointless that I find amusing or interesting. This is one of those updates, and it fits under the later of the two categories. Thanks for this, New York Times!!!

Tonight Michele and I went to Barnes and Noble where I picked up a copy of Absurdistan, which I've heard some mixed things about, but mostly positives, and bargain book outlining the key beliefs of major philosophers, which I probably already know a lot about, but the extra knowledge can't kill and it was only $7, so whatever. Afterward we popped by one of our favorite coffee shops, which has two locations, and ended up at the arguably less cool one simply because it was within walking distance of the store. While enjoying some Moroccan Mint green tea, I was reminded of exactly why I favor the place's sister location, as a Death Cab song started playing. Thinking this was one song on some employee made mix, I sucked it up and dealt with it for the time being. Things only got worse as the song ended and I was treated to three other songs by the band in a row, which were all notoriously awful, and off the worst of their CDs. Excusing myself to go to the bathroom, where I hoped the music would be inaudible, or at very least muffled (it wasn't, in case you were wondering), only to look on the windowsill to see that someone, someone I'm really hoping is still an underclassman in high school and amazed at the new found freedom of being allowed out of their home past 7 p.m. without the supervision of a parent, or other authority figure, had etched Dashboard lyrics into the wooden frame, complete with misspellings. To further feel like I had reverted to being fifteen years-old, we met up with William and Danielle afterward and smoked on the outside steps.

Additionally, in my neighborhood, someone has taken a stencil to a stop sign and spray painted "Hammer Time" underneath the gigantic white letters. If it's still there I want to take a picture, because nobody believes me unless they see it for themselves, and it's one of the most perfect things I've ever found.

causticantihero @ 2007-07-08T14:43:00

2007-07-08T18:46:31Z

I make a point to not become personally invested enough in people I don't know, nor will I ever know, to the extent that I show an active distaste for them, but I really, really, REALLY cannot stand this douche...

Ugh, so much disdain. And yes, I did purposely use the most douchey looking picture I could find. Come on, who stands like that?

It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant. It's the slow fade of love.

2006-12-28T12:29:35Z

I really loved her. I loved spending time together, laying in bed at night talking to each other, waking up in one another's arms, sneaking little kisses here and there. I loved almost every single second of every single day we were together, even the ones that were painful. And now that's all gone and I think for good this time.

I think when things turn sour there's a natural inclination to automatically place the blame on yourself, but I don't think I'm experiencing that at all. She lied to me more times than I can count. Lied about where she was. Lied about who she was spending time with. Lied about what she was doing. Lied about not lying to me anymore. Everytime I would try to call her out on something her first reaction was to lie about it, and it's only when I was able to present her with honest to God evidence that she's a fucking liar that she would come clean about it. Lies about location. Lies about drugs. Lies about feelings too, I'm sure.

It really hurts to acknowledge that you've basically just wasted two years of your life. That the person who you've told absolutely everything to, who you've given 100% of yourself to is fucking pathological and not to be trusted. I've gotten to the point where I'm really exhausted with putting out the effort. I never even find out from her that she's lying, it's ALWAYS from another source. When we first met I said that I was a really understanding person and that the two main things I couldn't stand to deal with in a relationship were 1. lying and 2. cheating. Often times these things go hand-in-hand, and considering that she lies about pretty much everything, it wouldn't really surprise me if the later of the two occurred as well. I know she wouldnt tell me. Honestly, it's something I've suspected for a while and this gives me even greater reason for believing it's true.

I'm doing ok, to be quite honest. I don't want to get drunk, high, or have someone find me dangling by the end of a rope. Honestly, I just want the last two years back, because it's a lot of time to give someone to have it amount to nothing. I mean, Jesus Christ, after all of this, I can't even look at her as a good friend, much less a good girlfriend. After all, she lies to her friends all the time too, so I don't know why I thought things may be different with me. Oh, youthful optimism.

So yeah... I'm single.

causticantihero @ 2006-12-08T08:19:00

2006-12-08T13:19:53Z

I am the master of passive aggressive anger. And I guess aggressive anger too.

causticantihero @ 2006-09-13T18:24:00

2006-09-13T22:30:59Z

Today a fortune cookie told me, "Change your views and you'll change the world." Personally, I have my doubts this would help matters at all. In fact, I feel confident that the views I hold are the right ones for me (which is something that I sincerely wish for everyone, because I think it must be completely awful to be plagued with that kind of self-doubt regarding the things to which you attribute that level of significance), and I don't think the world would be in a better place at all if I was to alter my stance on any given issue. Actually, I often think it would be all the worse for it.

I'm really glad I don't put too much stock in soothsaying baked goods.

causticantihero @ 2006-08-20T10:43:00

2006-08-20T17:46:23Z

Holy shit... best week of my entire life. And the greatest birthday to ever exist as well.

I'm moving here after I graduate, most definitely.

More later.

causticantihero @ 2006-07-03T00:21:00

2006-07-03T06:37:02Z

As much as I bitch about my parents, and go on these "I hate living here" rampages, sometimes they really manage to amaze me.

First of all, I spoke to my dad about taking vacation time during mid-August, and he seems perfectly fine with the idea, and even seems willing to find someone else to cover my shifts so that I don't have to see if I can round up friends with waiting experience. In fact, he seems to be encouraging the trip, and actually seems grateful that I've been helping out as much as I have been lately. I think we've gone two weeks with an absolute minimum of assholish, or passive aggressive statements being thrown at one another. I've got to say, it's actually kind of nice to not always be feeling some kind of disdain for the guy.

Secondly, I was talking to my mom the other day about how one of the things I miss most about Fordham when I'm on vacation is having Whole Foods right down the street from me, and being able to pop in for a weekly lunch/grocery buying bonanza. Today I come home from work to find that while she was out with my aunt today (they have sibling days, how precious), they went to Trader Joe's, which is pretty much as awesome as Whole Foods, and she bought me:
-A Pack of mini-pitas
-A nice sized tub of humus
-Marinated mozzarella balls
-A box of Pad Thai
-This shampoo that I really hope is for me, because it smells AMAZING. And also because I need shampoo (and shaving cream, and more face soap, and vitamins. Looks like I'll be making a drugstore run soon)
-THREE bags of Soy Crisps.

That last one is especially important to me, because I told her about the joys of Soy Crisps a long time ago, and complained about how I couldn't find them anywhere, and she remembered. That or my aunt sung their praises as well, but I'll just assume that maybe she remembered.

Sometimes, they're not all that bad.

I'm literate!!!

2006-06-28T19:49:17Z

Book recommendations, please.

To help entice you, if you recommend something to me, I'll recommend something to you based on what I know about you. And I promise my recommendation won't be anything mean like, "Maybe you should consider getting a nose job."

causticantihero @ 2006-06-28T12:44:00

2006-06-28T19:32:19Z

Just so you know what my life has been like...

I work at least 4 nights a wekk from 5-midnight. Then I come home and waste my time with stupid, late night amusements, sometimes talk a bit, fall asleep at 4ish and then wake-up at somewhere between noon to one, feeling surprisingly unrefreshed.

Lately I've been having these odd dreams. I get lost in a karaoke bar. I'm arrested and held captive under a circus tent. I kill my mother. I find myself wandering around an unfamiliar home clad only in a light yellow pair of underwear with a train on it, of the choo-choo variety, desperately trying not to get caught, or be found by anyone. I have no idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but it's obviously pretty fucked up.

On nice summer days I really miss having friends. It's always a little bit disheartening to realize that people are more shitty than you'd have ever given them credit for.

"It's easy for one of your best friends to turn into one of the people you hate the most. They always know what will hurt you the worst, and even if they don't mean it, you feel you should be able to expect better from them"

Tomorrow I'm cooking dinner. Roast beef soaked in broth, on garlic bread, with fresh mozzarella and tomato. I figure one day of being not toally health conscious won't kill me. Plus, thanks to my busy schedule actually getting to sit down and eat without being interupted by something is a bit of a rarity for me.

causticantihero @ 2006-04-11T13:20:00

2006-04-11T18:40:37Z

Anddddd I fuck up again. Sometimes I sort of wish I could make a return to being emotionally dead. I feel a lot better today and that makes me realize that it kind of hits in phases. I'm still a lot better off than I was as recently as 3-4 months ago, and I guess that's something to be thankful for. Talking to Steve earlier helped me to make sense of it a bit more.

Oh well, anyway...

1:Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
The book that's actually closest to me is a notebook that I use for class. On page 18, Line 4 I wrote, "Chris = Lang comment about Am. male + sexuality. Falls in love with prostitute, Kitty (what a whore name) - has overbearing wife. Am. man driven by pursuit of sex - reduces him to status of pussy bitch.
The closest REAL book says, "In some of his films Mann includes such material, though that is not where the central interest lies; and Boetticher appears quite oblivious to any such considerations." Film Genre Reader III

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
A draft of a letter my mom had to write for work that I need to proofread before I leave for school.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
Ummm, probably something on CNN at school yesterday.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
1:41 p.m.

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
1:40 p.m.

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Sufjan Stevens coming from my computer. My dad opening the kitchen drawer to get utensils. Birds chirping outside. Yay for Spring!

7:when did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
Around 12:30. Checking to see if I got any mail. I did.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
The absurd amount of homework I have to do, and a near blank Word document.

9:What are you wearing?:
Light blue jeans, red underwear, black and white Pumas, white ankle socks, black belt, black Ted Leo and the Pharmacists t-shirt.

10: Did you dream last night? What about?:
Yeah. I dreamt about spaceships, no joke.

11: When did you last laugh?
This afternoon. There was a cat standing in the street batting his paw at a tree that a squirrel had just climbed, as though he thought it would shake the tree and the bird would fall out. I kind of chuckled at it. Stupid cat.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Boring stuff. My mom's framed degrees, a large painting of a lighthouse, an air conditioner, yellow paint, pictures, including some of myself as a baby/small child. I was effin precious.

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
Honestly, I think I probably see something weird almost every day of my life. I've just become so adapted to it that I dont even think anything of it anymore.

14: What do you think of this survey?:
It serves its purpose in making sure I don't get my work done in a timely fashion.

15: What is the last film you saw?:
At home: L.A. Confidential for around the third time, because I'm a dumbass and decided to pick the film as an example of the evolution of the film noir genre for a twenty page paper.
at a movie theatre: The Squid and the Whale. I liked it a lot. and I liked the person I was with, which made it a million times better.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A nice house that's a lot closer to the person I love more than anything in the world, because being without her for too long is painful. Then I'd buy a slurpee machine and an air hockey table.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
Sometimes when bad things happen to people, I don't feel sorry for them. In fact, I laugh about it a lot.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Have a bunch of people I dislike murdered. It would make the world a much better place, and it would prevent overpopulation.

19: Do you like to dance?
I don't know. I look like a complete and total idiot so I just don't bother. since I tend to dislike looking like that much of an idiot, I guess not.

20: George Bush:
Ugh, where to begin? I dislike his politics immensely, but honestly, I think he's probably a really nice guy who thinks he's doing the best job he can and it's just not working out for him because he's terrible backward and misguided. To be slightly less biased sounding than I usually am, as much as I dislike him, I think I dislike the massive amounts of people who hate him but don't really have a good enough grasp of the things they're citing as reasons for that hatred more.

21: If your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
I've found girls tend to end up having these massive self-esteem problems around late middle school/early high school. I'd name my daughter something that makes her sound like total Eurotrash and then convince her that makes her a better person than everybody else. That should shut her up for a while anyway.

22. If your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
I've found that boys usually don't have enough self-esteem problems, and a large number of the ones that don't end up becoming complete jerks. So I'd name my son something ridicilous sounding that's bound to get him picked on. Yeah, it's cruel but it builds character.

23: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
Possibly, but probably not for that long. I want to travel a lot though.

causticantihero @ 2006-04-10T16:34:00

2006-04-10T20:35:35Z

Forever is a really long time to be bitter.

causticantihero @ 2006-03-22T14:24:00

2006-03-22T19:28:47Z

I need to go to class in approximately, four minutes, but let me say the following... EBay is ruining my life. It's by far one of the most addicting Internet distractions, but to make matters worse, I have to pay for it. Sometimes I find myself bidding on something, only to feel immediate buyers remorse following the placement of my bid. It gets soothed a little bit after I'm outbid, but within a minute or two, I just become enraged at being outbid, and get competitive about the auction. Oh, well.

More importantly than my Internet addiction, a very, very, very, very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SARAH! She's seriously the greatest, most amazing person I've ever met, and our relationship is the best thing to ever happen to me. I love her with all my heart, and miss her terribly.

causticantihero @ 2006-03-08T01:04:00

2006-03-08T06:14:26Z

This is going to be really brief, but this has really been one of the most amazing weeks of my life. It's been been a fabulous few days of random driving, and singing along to semi-ok 90s songs, and staying up together until the wee hours of the morning, and holding hands while walking along, and cuddling in my bed, and making fun of thoroughly absurd, pointless modern art, and the fucktards who act like they know what they're talking about at the Guggenheim, and her calming me down after near car crashes, and playing Grand Theft Auto together, and TV lesbians, and beer, and pizza on Sunday nights, and mini room parties with her and my friends, and copious amounts of kissing, and so much more stuff than I can comprehend right now. It kills me that we only have a few days together, and it kills me more that I actualy NEED to go to class tomorrow and can't spend it 100% with her, doing whatever.

I really need to go now, but in short, I love her more than anyone, or anything ever, and I don't forsee myself feeling this way again, and I don't want to, because I just want her. and I hope that London works out, because being close to her just makes so much sense to me. And I'm a little drunk, and I need to go upstairs right now, so I'm going to.

causticantihero @ 2006-02-26T13:10:00

2006-02-26T18:17:59Z

She said, "I wish you wouldn't drink", and I actually agreed to stop. And I meant it too. So I'm done, for real this time.

This morning I realized that I am almost 100% certain that I can't stay here after I graduate. Not in my house. Not in New York. I'm not really sure where I'm going, but I have distinct ideas where I won't be, and maybe that's almost as good.